Repatriation Blues: The Unmaking


A Walk in the Forest,  Autumn in France 2007

I was on my way home commuting in a public transport after a long day when I heard this captivating song. I am taking a short course on Saturdays to learn current design drafting trends.  Being back in school for an 8-hour long class, I was usually brain dead by 6pm sitting in a cramped commercial van stuck in horrendous traffic.  This leaves a lot of time for contemplation.

A year ago, I was driving my Ford Explorer  through the gated desert community barrier that automatically lifted using my sensor card.  I swiftly gave a nod to the guard as I drove past the plush yellow villas and perfectly landscaped gardens. The contrast to that life a year ago and now is so drastic that I often feel I have gone back to where I have started after graduation. As if that life of grace and abundance was a dream that I suddenly woke up from. If there was a song that captured what I am feeling in verbatim, this would be it. 





The Unmaking by Nichole Nordeman


This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay

Every stone I laid for you
As if You had asked me to
A monument to Holy things
Empty talk and circling
Isn't that what we're supposed to do

What happens now
When all I've made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You is all that's left

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble 
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking

The longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let go
But love will not stay locked inside
A steeple or a tower high
Only when we're broken, are we whole

What happens now
When all I've made is torn down

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself 
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble 
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking

I'll gather the same stones where 
Everything came crashing down
I'll build You an altar there
On the same ground

'Cause what stood before
Was never Yours

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself 
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking
Oh, this is the unmaking

Had to lose myself 
To find out who You are.

The illusion of spinning in the same carousel. Need to let go so I can move forward.
The illusion of environment creates a time vacuum, as if I never left.

"You are not the same person that you were, when you left your country anymore..You're a different person now. A stronger woman. If you made it happen there, you can make it here too." This is a speech that my husband tells me again and again which gives me a warm reassuring feeling whenever the repat blues strike. The only thing that binds me in the "real" present are my husband and daughter. 

"What happens now, when all I've made is torn down.." This is a powerful line. I was listening to  a sermon podcast that brought a lump in my throat.   It says, "The only way to move forward and have hope for the future is to let go of the past, along with your successes." 

Bam! It hits home.  I was afraid my life ended when I left the Middle East. I was so scared of coming home for good that I struggle to see the future. 

As empty as a blank canvas, this is the only way God can work His power and transform me to whatever He intends me to become. 

For now, I'll keep letting go and start all over again. 
What happens next? Hmm, oh well...

Have a lovely week!
Love & light,
Arni

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6 comments

  1. This post made so much impact to me, probably I am currently facing a transition in my own life. I can't imagine the adjustment you had to go through when you left the middle east, but I can see that it has been big. But your husband is right, you are the same the person as you were. It is true to all of us.

    Before each beginning
    There must be an ending.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Marge, transitions are often the hardest. Whatever you are going through, hold on Sis, may strength, good wishes and happiness come your way. God bless.

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  2. Seems like you're in the mood for some blues :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Days like this one, yes definitely.

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  3. Isn't it fun when you don't know what's going to happen? The possibilities are endless and I'm all for that type of adventure

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said. That's a lovely way of looking at it, Rooth. It is, I should remind myself of this all the time, the limitless possibilities.

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