Diary
Quarantine Realizations
Allow me to honestly say that I envy those who have reached epiphany during this quarantine period and those who have work and a means of livelihood for these bring a sense of purpose in their everyday, a reason to wake up. I think the biggest thing that worried me when we were returning back to a general quarantine is that I am not ready to go back out there yet knowing that there was no major shift nor a big Aha moment that took place for me.
Instead, I spent hours lost watching Korean series to escape from reality. I didn't create any grand masterpiece nor did I accomplish anything masterful. If there was something that this period highlighted in my life, it was a big question mark. This question mark grew by the day. It questions my existence. It questions past events. It questions the present.
It halted the projects that brought me joy and meaning. It made me and my family realize that our quarantine lifestyle has been extremely cost effective, thus we should limit our dining out habits and spend money more wisely. When we calculated our expenses this month in our monthly budget excel sheet, the contrast was astounding. It made me realize that despite being tired and being more active in the kitchen and in the garden, this pandemic season has made my family more resourceful and innovative in creating delicious food at home.
Our local government sent relief goods to every household on a weekly basis, so far we have been offered 15 kilos of rice, canned goods and even a whole chicken for which we are grateful for.
I have consumed all the wine bottles in my pantry during this liquor ban to dull the questions while I watched series after series. When my eyes hurt, I went to sleep and I lost sense of time until it's Friday all over again.
I got used to the slow rhythm of daily routine. Sweeping the yard and gardening during mid-morning and staggered house chores throughout the week.
I managed to stay away from my Instagram and Facebook news feed for a limited time daily, while keeping more in touch with a few closest friends and family via messenger. I realized that lingering hours scrolling through the feed is not only a huge time vacuum but also energy depleting.
I envy those who seem to know what they are doing and how they are going to accomplish them. My Instagram feed is teeming with people who seemed to have everything figured out.
I watched a lot of educational TED talks and Youtube videos to make sense of the questions that follow me everywhere and possible how-tos.
I think I have never felt more lost and more sad. Maybe it's one of those days of every month when everything is heightened. Perhaps, a glass of red is all I need to let this pass.
Love & light,
Arni
6 comments
Wow, you all got packages from government??? Ours gave us just the middle finger LOL even made us pay for the masks they got for free from China and even those for the ten times bigger price than before the outbreak.
ReplyDeleteLost is the word these days. We've realized they can put our lives in their hands in matters of minutes or days and we cannot do anything about it. How could we not feel lost, especially us in countries with corrupt, evil governments who give no hope in tomorrow.
Omg, really? Your middle finger comment made me laugh out loud for the way you have expressed it but I feel sorry to hear how each country had different reactions to the crisis. Yes, the most common denominator we all have throughout the world now is feeling lost.
DeleteI think I've been so focused on healing / keeping my job that I haven't focused so much on lifestyle changes during quarantine. I'm sorry you feel lost and like you're floating. But sometimes finding yourself can be fun? Thinking about you and here if you want to chat
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Rooth. I am so glad your therapy and healing have gone well. Cabin fever is starting to hit me so I think I need to plan a different activity outdoors soon.
DeleteI know you posted this last year and my comment is super late, but let me comment anyway hehe...
ReplyDeleteYou were definitely not alone in feeling this way. I found myself feeling very lost in the first few months of the quarantine because I couldn't travel anymore nor could I meet my friends on a regular basis, which have been part of my routine in the last few years.
2020 really effed us all, but not everyone was willing to admit it. And so I appreciate your honesty. I hope that by the time you read this, things have become a lot better for you.
Hi Mara, I can't believe I'm replying to your comment a year later. So sorry, I should have seen this sooner but all attention had been riveted to blogging on the Hive the past year. We're on Feb 2022 today and we're still in this limbo while so much had happened. It makes me feel like a totally scraped empty coconut shell. When I mentioned a period of unbreaking many years ago, 2021 made sure the past paled in comparison. Now I am stripped raw and malleable open to anything, ready for a change, hopefully a new beginning.
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