Travel Gourmande: Diary

First and foremost, thank you for your messages and prayers. God Bless You.

My absence on the blog was spent running around finding answers, looking for clues, rummaging contacts, asking for help or information, taking care of my daughter, updating family and friends and coordinating with those who have lent support.

My apologies if I can't share specifics because I'm not at liberty to. My aim for this post is to share my personal journey, how I have come to know myself in such an unimaginable circumstance.

There was no time for asking "why." When the situation surprisingly spun out of control, I just drove my car and did what I have to do. Each second counted and I kept myself busy because those moments in between were hard to bear. Those moments when negative images in my head would pop up. I just kept going. The reassurance of activity, pushing myself to the limit knowing I am doing everything I could kept me from breaking into pieces.

The darkest hours were those I turned to for help or update had their mobiles turned off. It was heartbreaking that I was merely a task. A paperwork that can go away after 5PM. Sleep was elusive at first and food tasted like sand paper. The most dreaded moments were family abroad waiting for good news and I had none.

Putting up a brave and collected front in front of my baby daughter was nearly tough. Her smiles however, helped me through. Her angelic innocence and ray of sunshine were my strength during those mornings when I wake up feeling that dagger in my heart for the unknown, for this living nightmare, wishing I was asleep instead.

As days passed, I have come to accept, that this is real and it's something beyond me. I am not religious but this ordeal, made me realize, I can only do so much and life demands me to trust in the Divine Power.

A walk of faith. Trusting God knowing that throughout my life, He has never failed me. He has always saved me in fact. In such a way, where He never allowed things to work out from my own effort, so that I may remain humble. He provided, at His own time.

The collection of victories won over past obstacles in my life give me strength each day, with each glimmer of hope, Looking back, thinking about all of those challenges in the past prepared me for this. Realizing now, that some seemingly random and sometimes even meaningless encounters proved useful at this time.

It also amazes me, how at a time when I was losing it, an unexpected phone call from someone comes offering help or advice.
Or during those really really bad days, when my car had an oil leak at a time when I really needed it, my phone crashing in an irrecoverable state on the floor while waiting for an important life and death phone call, followed by a series of unfortunate mishaps falling like domino one after another, kind individuals with generous hearts show up, lending a hand as simple as carrying my baby to the car, reminded me that He is there and I am not alone.

I am still on that walk of faith.
I see a faint spark in a distance, hoping it's the light at the end of the tunnel.
For now, I'm patiently waiting in stillness.

To end this post, I'd like to share this song from Hillsong United. I play it everyday because it perfectly captures how I feel and what I'm going through. I wonder when the day will come when I no longer cry whenever I hear this song.

Love & light,

Arni

Since, we are three days away from 2014, please allow me to indulge in introspection. The year end always calls for a time of reflection.

What did life teach me this year?

The concept of learning to say no was not a stranger to me since my previous job. I remember my former superior, Glenn, who taught me its importance. As one might expect, I was stubborn and failed several times. Like a teacher, he reminded me each time and for years, I slowly absorbed the concept. It was not until 2012 when I had a lot of time in my hands that I realized the value of this.

During my one year career break, there were lots of time for meditation and realization that throughout my life, I simply grew up unaware that we all have this power, because for many years, saying no meant getting punished. Perhaps sometimes, it's also an admission of weakness, that I wasn't strong enough to fulfill many commitments. There was also a fear of not being liked.

It is not easy as we might think given the technology, we are constantly bombarded with emails, instant messages, phone calls anywhere and anytime. Usually, our response elicits a negative reaction

2013 threw a series of tests. You also must have read previous posts about the Land Hunt Series, here, here and here. 2013 placed me in many situations challenging each time whether I would give in or hold my ground.

When I learned the value of my time, I turned down invitations from friends and acquaintances if I see it's not n'sync with my priorities at that given moment. I said no at work when I know I cannot get the job done because there isn't enough time or resources. (Even though I still worked late, the commitment I said yes to was realistic).
When I learned what's important to me, I said no when I can't afford it.
When I embraced my own value, I said no when I think and feel something is not right and fair.

Once I learned what my personal values and priorities are, it was easier to say no and it is 100% guilt free.

I found an article and it is refreshing to read so I thought of sharing it with you- The Gentle Art of Saying No

What was your learning for this year?

Love & Light,

Arni

Image via