A Walk of Faith

First and foremost, thank you for your messages and prayers. God Bless You.

My absence on the blog was spent running around finding answers, looking for clues, rummaging contacts,  asking for help or information, taking care of my daughter, updating family and friends and coordinating with those who have lent support.  

My apologies if I can't share specifics because I'm not at liberty to. My aim for this post is to share my personal journey, how I have come to know myself in such an unimaginable circumstance. 

There was no time for asking "why."  When the situation surprisingly spun out of control, I just drove my car and did what I have to do. Each second counted and I kept myself busy because those moments in between were hard to bear.  Those moments when negative images in my head would pop up.  I just kept going.  The reassurance of activity, pushing myself to the limit knowing I am doing everything I could kept me from breaking into pieces.

The darkest hours were those I turned to for help or update had their mobiles turned off.  It was heartbreaking that I was merely a task. A paperwork that can go away after 5PM. Sleep was elusive at first and food tasted like sand paper. The most dreaded moments were family abroad waiting for good news and I had none. 

Putting up a brave and collected front in front of my baby daughter was nearly tough. Her smiles however, helped me through. Her angelic innocence and ray of sunshine were my strength during those mornings when I wake up feeling that dagger in my heart for the unknown, for this living nightmare, wishing I was asleep instead. 

As days passed, I have come to accept, that this is real and it's something beyond me. I am not religious but this ordeal, made me realize, I can only do so much and life demands me to trust in the Divine Power.  

A walk of faith. Trusting God knowing that throughout my life, He has never failed me. He has always saved me in fact. In such a way, where He never allowed things to work out from my own effort, so that I may remain humble. He provided, at His own time.  

The collection of victories won over past obstacles in my life give me strength each day,  with each glimmer of hope,  Looking back, thinking about all of those challenges in the past prepared me for this. Realizing now, that some seemingly random and sometimes even meaningless encounters proved useful at this time. 

It also amazes me, how at a time when I was losing it, an unexpected phone call from someone comes offering help or advice.
Or during those really really bad days, when my car had an oil leak at a time when I really needed it, my phone crashing in an irrecoverable state on the floor while waiting for an important life and death phone call, followed by a series of unfortunate mishaps falling like domino one after another, kind individuals with generous hearts show up, lending a hand as simple as carrying my baby to the car, reminded me that He is there and I am not alone. 

I am still on that walk of faith. 
I see a faint spark in a distance, hoping it's the light at the end of the tunnel. 
For now, I'm patiently waiting in stillness.

To end this post, I'd like to share this song from Hillsong United. I play it everyday because it perfectly captures how I feel and what I'm going through. I wonder when the day will come when I no longer cry whenever I hear this song. 



Love & light,
Arni

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6 comments

  1. DEZMONDNovember 9, 2014 at 9:27 PM

    Whatever is going on I hope it will all end well for you and your family, Arni!

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  2. JaneNovember 11, 2014 at 12:05 AM

    I'm sending you my thoughts.. I hope all is ok. Praying for you and your family. xx

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  3. roothNovember 11, 2014 at 11:00 AM

    Oh my dear, big hugs to you

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  4. cheryoncakeNovember 13, 2014 at 5:37 PM

    Oh my dear Arni. I have just come by to catch up with your blog and I can't believe what I'm reading - that you are going through something so awful and life-changing and at the same time trying to get through everyday life. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Although it may not seem it, half your battle is won as you have turned to God in this time of dire need and allowed Him to hold you in His arms and direct you on the path He has planned for you. You just need to keep that faith that He WILL deliver you, however hard it may seem at times. In the meantime, take care of that precious gift He has given you in your beautiful daughter and stay strong. I will continue to pray for you. God bless xx

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  5. miss bNovember 13, 2014 at 11:32 PM

    I'm so glad to hear that you have good friends around you and that you can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.

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  6. ClaireNovember 20, 2014 at 9:22 PM

    Arni, I cannot imagine what you're giing through nor do I want to imagine how it must be for you. But you have a great blessing in your child and it is good that she is able to give you the joy and the strength you direly need at this time of your life. I admire you for your courage and strength. You are in my prayers. I hope things will be better for your family soon.

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