A Glimpse Into the Life of an INFP

Writing has given me solace growing up. Stacks of notebooks that were my journals filled the bedroom that I shared with my sisters.  They guided me, giving sense to the intense feelings I was experiencing at a young age, whilst facing a challenging childhood.   I kept them all in there within the pages of my diaries (most of which I have already discarded) while revealing these struggles only to a few, for fear of being judged, misunderstood before I could truly understand them all myself. 

In a culture where everyone is in each others' business, I wanted to keep a part of me locked away from the reach of others. I wanted to protect it. Hence most acquaintances deemed me as "reserved" and "puzzling."  You see, I never really felt I quite fit in. I may have appeared that I did, but in reality, this is far from the truth. 

What is an INFP?

INFP according to Myers Briggs Type Indicator stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception also known as  The Mediator or Healer, true idealists who grow up with a deep sense of right and wrong, with a dominant inner world who seek to create an external life where they can express and preserve these values. (Read more here: 19 Signs That You're an INFP)

Growing up, I dared question beliefs and traditions imposed on me by authority figures. "You shouldn't be asking these questions, it's blasphemy!" someone respected in our community once reprimanded me. I wasn't convinced by this dead end, you-have-to accept-this truth-because-there's-no-other explanation attitude.  This motivated me to search for answers on my own. Books were within reach while I followed my intuition growing up. I constantly stayed away from groups that offer acceptance in exchange of blind obedience in following never ending rules that didn't make sense to me.  This made me appear "elusive" and "out of reach." 

Though I try to stay away from influencing or affecting others' beliefs, this behavior didn't win many friends because I was more interested in deep conversations than what most people would prefer talking about. I want to understand who I really am talking to.  Their desires, their aspirations and what moves them, but more often than not if I do catch myself indulging in small talk, discussions with others become vapid, unless I allow my alter-ego, Maria, the vivacious and assertive extrovert to take over.

I felt odd and out of place, in a surprisingly good way. I grew up believing in a promising future where I belonged somewhere else.  This belief gave me this insatiable desire to explore the world. It lit me up and made me understand the small box that I was forced to fit my life in.  It gave me courage to step outside of that box, embrace a different cultural mindset and accept that it's okay to be different. I  relish in the thought that I may never be understood. 

I realized that in this filtering of valuable company guided by my intuition, I met amazing friends that became family in different stages of my existence.  I may not have lots of friends but I have been gifted with truly precious ones. Sadly, I often had to part ways with them due to my nomadic nature. 

My Mom once told me,   " You are blessed with wonderful friends."

Yes indeed, that is true. 

In the company of kind-hearted friends whom I have allowed to open myself to, I found a sense of belonging.  They made me feel how it is to truly become a part of tribe.

Contrary to what people believe that INFPs are disorganized marshmallow-like softies, INFP's are in fact, poker-faced with a solid facade.  We rarely show our emotions, but you may get a glimpse of how we feel if you look hard enough because our authenticity makes us transparent during unguarded moments.

I have been searching for articles online regarding the possibility of an organized INFP.  I have previously mis-typed myself as INFJ because of this sense of discipline and order at home and at work.

My sisters would tell you countless stories where they were forced to clean up after them for fear that they'd find their scattered stuff in the waste bin if they're not properly stored.  I grew up creating task lists for myself and others, excel sheets and all. I also forced myself to achieve results by imposing schedules on spreadsheets while throwing myself outside of the fence to accomplish something I value.

I have developed my extroverted thinking at a young age. My experiences taught me that  in order to effectively get things done, I need to observe schedules and create order around me This helped me immensely while working in project management. Coupled with an intuitive perspective, I was able to foresee possible pitfalls and problems that would affect the project.  Believe it or not, these possible problems were reflected in my spreadsheets too where I try to make contingency plans and solutions for them.

I'm not saying it comes easily.  I push myself harder, double or triple the effort to be productive because nothing is more boring than routine, but the latter gives me comfort and a sense of order in my life. So even if routine is boring, I welcome it to a certain extent.

My perfectionism makes this even worse which closest to me would refer to as my OCD episodes.  I'd put myself in a lot of pressure and would sell myself short because I always raise the bar for myself.  The drawback is having  high expectations of others as well.

When I am challenged by others, it gives me utmost satisfaction to prove them wrong and fight for what is right.

To the person who told me on my first day of work, that he made a mistake hiring me because I'm too shy and weak to become a sales person.  Guess what?  I developed an alter-ego to do the job. I failed many times for sure but it still gives me pleasure when I exceeded the job expected of me and he  admitted his bad judgement.  (Or perhaps that was his strategy all along and he knew how to push my buttons.)

To the person who didn't do the necessary to protect my family, who assumed my calm as meek as a lamb nature will prevent me from fighting back, guess who sent a letter to the highest official in government who has the power to remove him from his post.  I'll kick *** when I need to and he  definitely suffered the consequences afterwards.  He personally made amends later and expressed his surprise and huge respect for what I did.

When our values are crossed, beware, because these actions would rouse the sleeping giant within us.

Someone told me that I may be a calm and peace loving person, but when provoked, my tongue cuts sharper and deeper than a knife and that I can be relentlessly unforgiving. INFPs know the Achilles heel of each person we meet so, we always know the most painful way to strike back.

One of the drawbacks however is a stubborn nature when feelings run my judgement. I don't know what it is but I often get a feeling when meeting someone even for the first time.  Sometimes, just staring at someone's photo whom I haven't even met, I get a sense of who that person is.

Though my accepting nature would take this initial gut feeling with a grain of salt. However this first impression seems more than 85% accurate of the time.

This helped me a lot in  my previous job in sales. I was able to predict early on whether the customer is a potential one or merely just a waste of time.  I am also able to sense what their needs are, often seen and heard between the lines.

A friend advised me to hold off on the judgement and just keep collecting data.  To use extroverted intuition and experience things in order to develop myself more and guide my strong introverted feelings.

Coupled with these experiences and explorations, we would be able to gain more wisdom in our judgement. And the deeper we get to know ourselves, the more accepting we become.The more facets we recognize within, the more we can relate with others.  The life of an INFP is always looking inwards.  A lot of effort goes to improving the self.

We may sometimes appear to be full of ourselves, but bear in mind that we would avoid imposing ourselves on others because we uphold and respect one's individuality.

This is not to say that the meek surface of INFPs should be taken for granted.  At best, we could provide light and fire wherever  and whenever needed in this dark and jaded world.





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